so i almost had my real first consentual kiss....

well i stopped him cos i panicked. he stopped when i wanted him to. we were confused and stuff but talked it out. it was nice.

so i guess i was kind of flirting, being silly, kind of hinting...i don tknow...but then i panicked.

really it was no big deal. we talked it over like mature adults are supposed to :)

i think it is more my problem than his. it is kind of hard to kiss was when all you had was....them....its not even just forced kissing by my ex and stuff. its the fact that someone kissed me who shouldnt have in the first place and it is sad....
i am fine tonight though. i am not mad or angry at all. i am not even "triggered" i am very happy that we could talk about it maturely :) as unstable as i can be, we handle things together in a very stable way. it surprises me but it makes me happy.  i just know that i still need to heal though :(

alone....

i dont know....it is always the same thing...........

same confusion....same instability and wanting to hurt myself. i didnt...but just ....i dont know...i just feel like i feel more gross than ever....

i am sick of my emotions. i am sick of needing reassurance...but i do need that....

this could play a part in how im not okay with spirituality and faith issues still....i dont know

but it also hurts when a friend i knew for about ten years starts acting like she doesnt care about me anymore......(playing games)

and it hurts when i am learning to trust a few people still..... it hurts when this person takes it personally and possibly understandably so but it hurts when it seems like........no one understands me.......

i wonder what i should really do. how can i just get over things when i have unanswered questions about things. confused....i feel like i cant just do this on my own......

i just have an overwhelming feeling to hurt myself......but i wont...

my heart is broken cos im confused as to where things are headed in life....what is going on with me and others in my life....and i just feel heart broken because i never felt protected and they didnt listen to me.... i feel different than other girls and it hurts....... i want to be the same as them. i want someone to be worth what they are :'( i dont  know what im doing wrong....but i feel like im being punished for things. i feel like im punished if i like some affection, etc....

no one will ever like me enough to want to even stay with me ever....no one......

tuesday night: it was a fun celebration. he gave me a nice card and a gift. its a hello kitty bank and she is wearing a graduation cap and gown lol.

we went out for sushi and then ice cream. we walked around and looked at the baby geese at a lake near us. i love them <3  we also went bowling....
overall, i really had a great time...... 

hmmm.....